Of course I had to read more. It seems that Diane had been using her own secret skin care product that was so much more effective and less expensive than a product the Kardashians were currently touting on their riveting (spelled b-o-r-i-n-g) reality show. And Diane's cream is so amazing that Dr. Oz loves it. The only problem is that he also sings the praises of skin care products developed by Ellen DeGeneres and dozens of others, including Joy Behar, Melania Trump, Christie Brinkley and Angelina Jolie. The "real" reason behind Angelina's break-up with Brad Pitt, by the way ("according to court documents," no less) is that she was neglecting their children to devote time to her miraculous skin cream, which of course Dr. Oz loves.
When the good doctor isn't busy touting beauty products, he is promoting a miraculous weight loss product. BREAKING NEWS: THE TRAGIC REASON MIKE & MOLLY HAS BEEN CANCELLED. I'll save you the trouble of looking it up. It seems that Melissa McCarthy (AKA Molly) lost too much weight, thanks to said amazing pill. A tragedy? Really??
What all these products have in common, in addition to Dr. Oz's alleged enthusiasm, is that we can all get $94 samples for only $5 to cover shipping charges! Simply supply credit card information. But wait! You almost missed that exceedingly fine print at the end of the offer which says if you don't see the miraculous results claimed, just return the unused portion within a very short specified time. Otherwise, your credit card will be charged the full amount of $94 — and you will receive (and, of course, be charged for) additional $94 monthly shipments until you cancel (or die — whichever comes first). I think they rely on the fact that many of us are too lazy to return the product in time and don't check our monthly Visa statements very carefully.
And it isn't just poorly-disguised miracle face cream ads that assault you the minute you hit the 'ON' button on your computer. Other recent breaking news reports include:
A picture of Britain’s Got Talent winner, Susan Boyle, with the headline, CELEBS WHO... DIED AND NO ONE SAID ANYTHING. Oh, no! Just when her life had turned around! How sad! I clicked on the link and had to plow through reports of a couple of dozen obscure celebrity deaths before reaching Susan's tale. Guess what? She didn't die. A distant relative did.
Other JAW-DROPPING headlines I encountered (and which were never explained when clicking on the links) included:
WHY DONALD TRUMP NEVER TALKS ABOUT TIFFANY
WHY DONALD TRUMP NEVER TALKS ABOUT ERIC
WHY HLLARY NEVER TALKS ABOUT CHELSEA
WHAT HONEY BOO BOO LOOKS LIKE TODAY
Still another ASTONISHING headline (CELEBS WHO STAYED MARRIED EVEN AFTER LEARNING SPOUSE WAS GAY) inexplicably was accompanied by a picture of Kate and William, though they weren't mentioned in the linked story. And KALEY CUOCO SHOCKED WHEN CBS CANCELS BIG BANG THEORY BECAUSE OF HER. It seems that now that her character is married, they wanted Kaley to gain weight so she would be more relatable. (Of course, aren't all married women fat?) But she refused and used Dr. Oz's weight loss pills instead. Not a word is true. Big Bang has not been cancelled. Kaley is still slim and gorgeous. Dr. Who? Pills? Nope.
So why all these outrageous claims? Because sprinkled throughout this salad of lies are ads for a myriad of products which I, for one, now refuse to buy. And how do they get away with making these ridiculous false assertions? I wish I knew.
Hold everything! BREAKING NEWS! ROSE MULA STILL DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO BOIL AN EGG!
Maybe I should stop trying and instead spend my time on developing a miraculous skin cream. Can anyone give me Dr. Oz's phone number?
©2017 Rose Madeline Mula for SeniorWomen.com
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