by Rose Madeline Mula

I thought that being confined to my home and blocked from stores by the COVID19 restrictions would save me a ton of money.  I was wrong. I was forgetting something.  Amazon.com.

Yes, this insidious site has been lurking on my keyboard forever, but I never visited it until a couple of months ago when I needed new reading glasses and realized I couldn’t go to the Dollar Store (yes, that’s where I buy them).  No problem.  Ordering them on Amazon and getting free delivery (and free return shipping if for any reason they didn’t meet my expectations) was easy.  Too easy.

Gradually, I purchased other essential items on Amazon — pens, batteries, printer paper,  hair color, shampoo…  But it wasn’t long before non-essentials started creeping onto the list — new sneakers to add to the four pairs in my closet which I haven’t worn since 2012, six coffee mugs I saw online which I don’t need and have no cabinet space for (but they’re so pretty!),  an extra quilt for my bed (also unnecessary and also pretty, and way too bulky to store anywhere)… But those are just the tip of the iceberg. In fact, if icebergs were available for sale on Amazon, I would be tempted to buy one of those as well because you never know when the power might go out and reduce all those Lean Cuisines in my freezer to low-calorie/high-sodium slush.

But, of course, even Amazon can’t provide icebergs. Instead, they have been selling me an eclectic hodge-podge of miscellany which I don’t need, including a few items which I never even knew existed before their images sneaked up, hooked me, and reeled me in as I surfed the Internet.

Did you know, for example, that you can buy dish washer-safe stove burner protectors which fit under your burner grids and catch all the boil-over spills that would otherwise stain your stove and become a permanent part of your kitchen decor?  Yes, you can. I did.  I also bought toaster bags — reusable, washable, plasticized paper pouches that safely go into my toaster, oven, or microwave and help turn out perfect grilled cheese sandwiches, baked potatoes, chicken nuggets, panini, and an unlimited number of other tasty treats. Who could resist that? Not me.

Another irresistible ad convinced me I needed miniature metal “skis” for my walker’s back “feet” to enable it to move faster. Why? It’s a walker, not a racer. But why not? It was easier to simply click on the “Buy It Now” bar than to think about it. So I did. The fact that I rarely use the walker didn’t deter me.

My other impulse purchases on Amazon include a string of mini, solar-powered lights to brighten my quarantined balcony; a label maker (which I have used to make two labels since buying it a year ago); a roll-up keyboard (in place of the Steinway I can’t afford and have no room for) which I immediately rolled up and put in a drawer before plinking even one melody; a five-pound bag of gum drops (yes, five pounds!); essential oils (which were certainly not essential); make up (too little, too late), and a garden kneeler.  No, I don’t have a garden. I live in a third-floor condo. But I’m hoping it will help me get up when (not if) I fall so I don’t have to call the firemen (though, actually, their visits are the highlight of my social life).

No need to fill in a billing address, shipping address, and credit card info. Amazon has it all stored in its inexhaustible memory and prints it all with just one click. If I had to stumble to another room to dig out my credit card, and then type in all those details, it would give me time to ask myself if I really need those items or still another veggie chopper… moisturizer… exercise DVD… …or dress.

Yes, I now also buy most of my clothes on Amazon. The problem with that is they never look as good on me as they do on the models in the ads. The last two dresses I bought that looked casual yet fashionably chic online unfortunately look more like nightgowns on me. However, it was easier to keep them and add them to my burgeoning dreamland wardrobe rather than risk exposure to COVID19 by going out to return them. Unfortunately, since they’re supposed to be dresses, it gives me an excuse not to bother changing out of them in the morning.

Hey, wait a minute! It just occurred to me that this may explain my daytime sleepiness. Since I’m wearing my nightgown, my brain doesn’t recognize that it’s time to wake up! Tomorrow I’m wearing that power suit I bought decades ago — and maybe even shoes.
Actually that suit will come in handy for my weekly Zoom get-together with friends I worked with in a former lifetime. They seem to have trouble recognizing me. Maybe because I never wore nightgowns to the office. Next week I’ll wear the suit to Zoomtown. Hopefully that will help.

And to prod their memories further I just made another purchase on Amazon of something I never knew existed — a ring light consisting of a circle of tiny bulbs that clips onto a cell phone or computer. Supposedly it softens wrinkles and diminishes under-eye shadows. I’m now trying to figure out if I can possibly attach it to a headband so I can wear it all the time and look just as young in person as I now hope to online.

To further enhance my Zoom persona, I also mined Amazon for some wireless ear pods so I won’t have to keep shouting “What?” every few seconds.

I remember when none of these treasures were available on Amazon. It was strictly an online bookstore. It hasn’t forgotten its roots. It’s still my go-to source of the written word — from the classics to today’s best-selling novels, biographies, how-to’s… most of which
are available as traditional hard-cover, as well as ebooks — which are a boon for me since their lower prices are much more budget friendly.  Also, I ran out of bookcase space before James Patterson ran out of ideas for still another mystery.

This buying binge has got to stop. I got my Visa bill this morning and it sent my already dangerously high blood pressure soaring. I understand meditation should help, but I don’t know how to meditate.

I think I’ll check Amazon. I bet they’ve got some good books and tapes to guide me.

©2020 Rose Madeline Mula for SeniorWomen.com

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