You Know You're Getting Old When ...
By Rose Madeline Mula*
You know you’re getting old …
…When you don’t want to drive at night — in fact, when you don’t want to be out at night even if someone else is driving.
…When you’d rather be home in your bathrobe in front of the TV instead of all dressed up and in a front-row seat of a Broadway show because slippers and snuggies are so much more comfortable than stilettos and Spandex.
…When you keep complaining that the music is too loud — and that that the noise that passes for music these days is just, in fact, noise.
…When everyone mumbles so badly, you can’t hear them, and even if they do speak up, you have no idea what they’re talking about. What the heck are “friends with benefits”? What’s a DVR or a TIVO? And how could Ellen have married Portia? Aren’t they both women?
…When you bite into that spicy pepperoni pizza you’ve enjoyed all your life, and it bites back.
…When your mirror starts lying to you and insists you don’t really look like the eighteen-year-old beauty who lives in your head.
…When a friend gives you a box of chocolates, and they have “soft and creamy” centers.
…When your younger companions become very solicitous and take your arm to help you negotiate a three-inch curbstone.
…When your children decree you are no longer allowed to drive on highways.
…When they take away your stepstool and put everything on lower cabinets that you can reach from terra firma.
And there’s no denying that you’ve crossed the threshold into senior citizenhood when you get on a crowded bus or subway and a middle-aged man or woman (with crutches!) gets up to offer you a seat.
Illustration of wedding cake topper sculpture by Michael Leavitt.
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