Wanted: Celebrity Parents

I’m really lucky. I was a huge winner in the parent lottery. No one could have asked for a better Mom and Dad than mine. Loving, caring, and incredibly supportive, they were my most enthusiastic cheerleaders, inordinately proud of my every achievement — no matter how small. (“Oh, look! See how cleverly she inhales and exhales!”)

However, they did fail me in one respect: They were not famous. Consequently, instead of being able to share their unrealistically high opinion of my talents with the world at large, they had to settle for bragging only to their relatively small circle of friends and relatives, none of whom were prominent or influential either, unfortunately. Therefore, I never became famous myself — at least not yet.

In an effort to correct that state, since my beloved parents long ago went to their well-deserved reward, I am seeking a new mother or father — preferably one who hosts a popular TV show (think Oprah … any of the ladies on The View … Regis before he leaves) on which he or she can plug my newest book. You know what I mean.

All of these personalities have a highly visible platform which they use to shamelessly publicize themselves. Have you ever seen even one airing of The View when they’re not hyping Barbara’s book or TV specials, Whoopie’s, Joy’s or Sherri’s other TV shows and appearances, or Elisabeth’s fashion line?

And when celebrities aren’t promoting their own projects, they’re plugging those of their progeny. Take Regis Philbin, for example. On one show, he and wife Joy enthused about how proud they are of their daughter Joanna who had written a children’s book. They casually mentioned that she would be signing same at a Manhattan book store the next evening, hinting that they might be there, too, to offer their support. How many people do you suppose went to Joanna’s book signing? I’m guessing several hundred more than the five who showed up for mine last week at my local Barnes & Noble — and those five were all friends whom I had to beg, bribe, or bully into coming.

So I wrote to Regis and Joy and pleaded with them to adopt me. I know, I know. I’m older than them. So what? The important thing is that I’m an orphan and available. I told them I can’t wait to call them Mommy and Daddy figuring that would tug at their heartstrings for sure. But I’m still waiting to hear back from them. I don’t understand why. I even told them I’d happily sign a pre-adoption agreement disclaiming rights to any part of their fortune if I should survive them. I don’t want their money. I just want to exploit their celebrity. I’m willing to let my books soar or plummet on their own merits once they’ve been exposed to huge audiences. But how do I get that exposure now that Regis and Joy have rejected me?

I can’t tell you how many well-meaning friends have seriously suggested over the years, "You should go on Oprah." Of course! I’m sure she would have been thrilled if I called and told her I was available! ("I can make it next Tuesday, Oprah; but then I don’t have an available date until the following Thursday…") Right. These friends don’t realize that for many moons, I unsuccessfully pitched ideas to Oprah’s producers for shows featuring accomplishments of senior citizens. I would have even been willing to share the cameras with other geezers whose talents are unrecognized (as long as they didn’t try to upstage me). Unfortunately, it’s too late now that Oprah is taking her show off the air. But I’m sure she’ll be back in another format, so I may still have a chance.

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Wanted: Celebrity Parents

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