Tell It Like It Is

When was the last time you went to a rest room to 'rest'? Is “toilet room” too crude a term for where we go to “answer a call of nature” or “make a visit” or “powder our nose”?

Furthermore, how come no one ever “dies”? Instead, a person “passes away,” “goes to his reward,” “buys the farm,” “cashes in his chips,” “pushes up daisies,” “checks out,” “kicks the bucket,” “bites the dust” or “loses his life” (which sounds pretty careless). And our sick pets are never euthanized; they’re “put to sleep.”

War also has its own vocabulary. We don’t kill enemy soldiers, we “eliminate” them. And, unfortunately, during attacks, sometimes “collateral damage” (or killing of innocent civilians, including children) is unavoidable. Also, is it less deadly to be eliminated by “friendly fire” than an enemy bullet? And who can ever forgive Hitler’s characterization of slaughtering thousands of Jews as “ethnic cleansing”?

Though researchers haven’t yet discovered a “thin” pill that will enable us to pig out on unlimited quantities of lasagna without gaining an ounce, no one is “fat” any more. In fact, we’re not even “overweight.” We’re simply “big boned,” “husky,” “full-figured,” or “plus-sized.”

We also never get “old.” Instead, if we don’t “go to heaven” early, we eventually enter our “golden years” and become “senior citizens” or, at worst, “chronologically challenged.” Similarly, no one is “handicapped” any more. They’re simply “physically challenged” or “differently abled.”

Though it sounds too good to be true, no one is actually “unemployed” these days either, though many have been “down-sized,” “laid off,” or “outplaced” and be “between jobs,” which may result in their having to live “in reduced circumstances,” instead of in poverty.

And have you noticed that no one “has sex” any more? Instead, people “sleep with” each other, “make whoopee,” “roll in the hay,” indulge in “hanky-though a female “whoopee maker” could possibly wind up with a “bun in the oven,” a “panky,” and “go all the way.” It’s reassuring to know that all of this activity seldom results in an unwanted “pregnancy” — at least not by that name; bundle from heaven,” or “a visit from the stork” unless she and her partner “used protection.” (No, that does not mean inviting bodyguards on their dates.) Of course, parents are sure to make all this clear when they tell their children about “the birds and the bees.”

The next time you’re on a commercial plane that will be flying over water, if you listen to the flight attendant, you’ll be happy to hear him or her say that your seat cushion can be used as a “personal flotation device.” That sounds like so much more fun than “life saver” — more like it’s possible that you and your fellow passengers will be visiting a Disney water park soon instead of splashing down in mid-Atlantic.

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Tell It Like It Is

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