And immodesty isn't limited to the beach or to so-called Gentlemen's Clubs or the pages of Playboy. It's rampant on Main Street, in the library, the classroom, even in churches. I can't help but wonder — as necklines dip and hemlines rise, will they meet in the middle?
Why do we speak baby-talk to our ten-year-old dog (who is seventy in human years)? Does he think we’ve really lost it?
Why won't guests use guest towels? Do they think we want to save them for someone more important who may be coming later?
Why do ads and commercials for medicines always advise us to "call your doctor"? When was the last time you actually were able to reach your doctor directly by phone?
The same is true for advisories that urge us to "call your airline" if the weather or other conditions may necessitate a flight cancellation or delay. Is listening to an interminable busy signal or a long list of menu options going to give us a clue?
Is there life after death? If so, what's it like? Whom will we meet there, in addition to our Maker? Will Joan Fontaine (whom I’ve been lucky enough to know during this lifetime) share some of her old boyfriends with me?
Will there be computers in heaven? If so, will they never crash? More important, will all those anti-wrinkle creams actually work there?
Why does the shortest line at the grocery store always move the slowest? Get behind two people — one buying a pack of gum and the other a loaf of bread — and inevitably it will take you at least ten minutes longer to reach the register than if you had joined the line with six carriages brimming with enough groceries to see a family of six through a ten-day blizzard. How come? Because the gal with the gum has no cash and can’t find her credit card or checkbook; and the guy with the bread picked the one loaf that didn’t have a bar code, necessitating a distress call for a manager who is on a coffee break—at the Dunkin’ Donuts across town.
Come on! How could anyone actually have proved that no two snowflakes are identical?
Why does your hair look great the morning you’ve scheduled a cut; and why does your tooth stop aching the minute you get to the dentist?
Do you believe that all those “real” TV housewives are truly real? Does anybody know any actual housewives who apparently spend more on makeup and false eyelashes than on groceries?
How did everyone manage before cell phones? Did husbands have to make momentous decisions at the supermarket unilaterally? Without being able to phone their wives, how did they know which tushie tissue to buy? And did people actually have to speak to each other face-to-face instead of texting?
And most important: Why aren’t I doing my laundry and vacuuming my carpets instead of wasting time on this frivolous foolishness?
©2013 Rose Madeline Mula for SeniorWomen.com
Rose's books, Grandmother Goose - Rhymes for a Second Childhood; If These Are Laugh Lines, I'm Having Way Too Much Fun, and The Beautiful People and Other Aggravations, are available through your bookstore or on Amazon.com and other online booksellers.
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