"I'm sorry, Oprah, but I promised Barbara she could have the first interview."
Those ladies are so competitive!
"It's so hard to find good help these days."
Especially someone who can do a good job of polishing the gold fixtures in my dozen bathrooms.
"I've got to go on a diet! My size twos are feeling snug."
Oh, the lies we tell ourselves!
"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful."
It's such a curse!
"It's time to buy a new car. This one got dirty when it rained yesterday."
And the grime that’s accumulated over the last seven years doesn't help.
"Brad! Stop! What would Angelina do if she found out?"
She'd laugh hysterically, that's what.
"I'm really getting tired of this perfect weather. It's so boring.."
Has anyone seen my strait jacket — and my snow shovel?
"My personal chef is retiring. Whatever will I do?"
Fortunately, Chef Boyardee is available on aisle six.
"No, I don't need to call the computer geeks. I can fix it myself."
Ooops! Now I've really killed it.
"I run ten miles every morning."
Sure I do, and every afternoon I pump iron after my Spinning for Seniors class.
"I've got great metabolism — I can eat anything I want."
As long as I want only steamed broccoli.
"What? You need to see some ID in order to give me the senior discount?"
I'm surprised that they hire legally blind clerks.
"My beauty secret? Just a tiny dab of blush."
Has anyone seen my make-up trowel?
"My new book is on The New York Times best seller list for the hundredth straight week? How embarrassing. I’m much more comfortable keeping a low profile."
Unfortunately, that's not a problem.
"I do wish the paparazzi would stop hounding me!"
Or, better yet, start!
"OOOPS! I just realized that any payment for this essay would boost my income to a higher tax bracket."
Right. All the way up to the poverty level.
©2011 Rose Madeline Mula for SeniorWomen.com
Rose Mula's most recent book, 
The Beautiful People and Other Aggravations is now available at your favorite bookstore, through Amazon.com and other online bookstores, and through Pelican Publishing (800-843-1724), as is her previous book, If These Are Laugh Lines, I'm Having Way Too Much Fun.
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