The Tax Man Cometh

Why did the IRS extend the tax filing deadline this year to April 18th?* It just gives me another three days to plow through drawers and files looking for receipts that I’ll never find.

And how come we now actually have to provide documentation for every charitable donation? That was a wake-up call. According to my checkbook register, I apparently am nowhere near as generous as I thought I was — or as I used to claim on my tax returns. But if I’m not giving all that money away, where the heck has it gone? Certainly not for designer clothes. I’m wearing ten-year-old jeans . . . well, actually I’m not. They’re still in my closet, but they no longer fit.

Could I have spent all that unaccounted-for money on ice cream? I’d like to say that a lot of it went into the collection plate at church, but that’s one thing I definitely shouldn’t lie about. I might fool the IRS, but I can’t put one over on an all-seeing God — especially in His own house. Besides, even those contributions now have to be documented. But if I give checks instead of cash, they’ll have my address and will come after me for more. I’d have to get implicated in a crime and join the witness protection program and move to an undisclosed location. But before I do, I really have to get these taxes done.

Surprisingly, I enjoy making out my tax returns. It’s the only time I can be grateful for all my medical problems. Without them, I’d have almost no deductions. That trip to the emergency room when I cut my hand in a kitchen accident (I was in the kitchen by accident — I seldom go there intentionally) . . . The broken kneecap when I stumbled and fell on Main Street (no — I hadn’t been drinking) . . . The hip replacement and rehab last fall . . . Yes, it was a great year — deduction-wise. Not so good dependents-wise. I have none. Oh, wait! I do have seven mirrors in my home; and a strange old lady lives in all of them. None of them pay me rent, so why can’t I claim them as dependents?

That will get me a huge refund. How shall I spend it? I know! I’ll take a trip to Italy. Then next year, I’ll be able to write it off as a business expense (doing 'research' for my next book, Tortellini, Tarantella, and Tax Tom-Foolery).

*The filing deadline for individuals was March 1 in 1913, was changed to March 15 in 1918 and again changed to April 15 in 1955.

Rose Mula's most recent book,
The Beautiful People and Other Aggravations is now available at your favorite bookstore, through Amazon.com and other online bookstores, and through Pelican Publishing (800-843-1724), as is her previous book, If These Are Laugh Lines, I'm Having Way Too Much Fun.

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The Tax Man Cometh

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