But it all paled in comparison to the adventures of Erica. If you’ve been paying attention, you’ll remember that when I started watching AMC, Erica was kidnapped. In episodes that followed, we learned that her abductor was an Erica-wannabe — Jane, an ugly, hard-up woman who was so obsessed by the glamorous Erica Kane that she underwent extensive facial and bodily plastic surgery to transform herself into Erica, whom she then kidnapped and imprisoned in an underground bunker in which she had duplicated Erica’s luxurious bedroom. Jane wasn’t heartless. She wanted her victim to be comfortable but out of the way so she could live Erica’s life. Incredibly, though Erica’s daughters, her current fiance Jack, her past lovers, and all her friends thought she had started behaving a bit strangely, all accepted that Jane was Erica. In their defense, Jane not only had become Erica’s double, but she somehow also sounded exactly like Erica. No explanation of how she pulled that off, how she managed to pay for her plastic surgery and the redecoration of Erica’s prison, or why no one ever questioned the authenticity of her signature on legal documents (including one giving the afore-mentioned devious Dr. Hayward control of Pine Valley’s highly-respected hospital).
A lot of the action took place in said hospital, giving many of the cast the opportunity to play doctor. When the characters weren’t performing miraculous healings, being healed, or visiting their sick friends and relatives, they spent a lot of time sipping cocktails and nibbling gourmet treats at Krystal’s — an upscale restaurant owned by still another of the show’s characters, who somehow found time to manage the place while seducing her daughter’s boyfriend and engaging in other typical AMC activities. In fact, it’s a wonder that any of the characters (doctors, lawyers, the chief of police, and captains of industry and fashion) had any time for their jobs, considering how busy they were with lesbian liaisons, child custody battles, swapping new-born babies, deportation fights, drinking binges, sleeping around, and especially lurking in the park and behind hospital screens to spy on their friends and lovers. It’s amazing how many plot twists developed from all this eavesdropping.
And while they were doing all of the above, all of the characters were always beautifully groomed. The men (even the bad guys) were all ruggedly handsome, and the women — gorgeous! Clothes to die for! Though it did seem a tad strange to see them wearing one-shouldered or strapless, skin-tight, sparkly cocktail dresses everywhere — whether at Krystal’s, their offices, skulking in the park, or visiting the sick in the hospital. And how they ever found time to coif their hair so perfectly or apply all that makeup is beyond me. They were always ready for their close-ups — even Amanda when she was being wheeled in to the OR for surgery a while back, her beautiful blond hair splayed on the gurney, her incredibly long lashes heavily coated with mascara, her full lips glistening with gloss. How come when I had my recent lumpectomy I had to scrub my face clean and cover my hair with an ugly plastic cap? It’s not fair.
Something else that’s not fair is why the writers of those absurd plots and sappy dialogue raked in the big bucks, while I — not so much, to say the least. Why does a loving, all-powerful, all-knowing God allow such a cruel injustice? Well, that’s a question for another essay — to be written by someone much smarter than I.
Meanwhile, I gotta run. I have to go to my Soapaholics Anonymous meeting to see if I can find the strength to finally delete the last episode of All My Children from my DVR.
(Editor's Note: Final broadcast of AMC on YouTube
©2011 Rose Madeline Mula for SeniorWomen.com Her newest book is The Beautiful People and Other Aggravations which can be found at Pelican Publishing as well as Amazon and Barnes & Noble
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