Act 2: The Awakening
One day a little voice began to whisper, "There is so much stuff for sale here. Is any of it not from China?" and "Hey, what happened to those end tables I liked? Where oh where did they go?"
A little more research revealed that Costco carries only 4,000 items, compared to 150,000 in a typical superstore. And one thousand of them are intentionally "treasure hunt" stuff. These are always changing to instill a “sense of urgency” in customers. In other words, that buyer’s hysteria I kept experiencing wasn’t my own, it was planned for me. Finding this out was a little like discovering that a hot new boyfriend is actually a manipulative narcissist who will leave if you request foreplay.
Act 3: The Disillusionment
It began the day I noticed my weekly grocery bill had somehow become $1800. All I’d done was go to Costco for some steaks … oh, and an aluminum storage shed, because it was $500 cheaper than the one at Home Depot. Well, I’d had to grab it fast before it disappeared!
Now the downside to buying massive quantities came in to focus. That gigantic container of garlic salt was such an amazing deal, until three quarters of it solidified into a salt lick. And that bag of pre-washed spinach the size and shape of a small child required me to eat spinach three times a day for a week, and also open a roadside spinach stand, or try to sell spinach on E-bay. "I saw an eighty-year-old couple walking in Costco," said my friend, comedian Elayne Boosler. "I said to them, 'Get out! Go home! There’s nothing here that you can possibly finish.' "
And then there are the checkout rituals. The first time I forgot to say, "May I have a box?" I found myself making a million trips to unload the car, balancing an air mattress-sized package of chicken parts atop a cistern of laundry detergent. Why? Because there are no bags at Costco, even though nothing for sale there really fits into those boxes (which, incidentally, are so indestructible they don’t fit in the recycling can). And Costco is the only market with border guards at the exit. Take care not to misplace your receipt, because you must show it if you’re planning to ever leave.
For me, though, the bloom wasn’t wholly off the rose until I looked around my house, saw one too many dark walnut fake colonial pieces and thought … Damn! My house looks like Costco! Or maybe it was when I noticed, as I made someone a cocktail from my 8 foot high magnum of vodka, that they were looking at me with an expression that said "Whoa. Drinking problem."
Act Four: Resolution and Mature Love
As with any long term relationship you take the good with the bad. In the end, I finally understood that as a savvy shopper I needed to use Costco for my own purposes, not vice-versa, as well as to understand that certain things I must simply accept. Maybe it is always going to be difficult to take those 10,000 dollar diamond stud earrings in the jewelry case seriously because they are only inches from a tower of Halloween candy? And maybe I will always be disappointed by the odd assortment of books they sell on a big flat table, next to the Big Bag’o’Socks bin, that seem to have been selected for a mysterious demographic that I’d rather not contemplate. So what? — It’s still a great place to buy food I can freeze, cleaning products, and office supplies. And area rugs and tires. And then I just get the hell out! Oh, and swim goggles. Did I already mention mascara? And picture frames? And THAT’S ALL. Just those things, then grab some soup and a patio heater and head home! And a couple of dog beds. And oh my God a real piano for just $7000!
©Merrill Markoe. Merrill's new book of essays, Cool, Calm and Contentious, is published by Random House. Don't miss 'em.
Photo of typical Costco interior is from a Henderson, Nevada store. Photo from Wikipedia.
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