I'll Never Understand by Rose Madeline Mula

I'll Never Understand

And what’s with those 5-inch (and higher!) stilettos? How long can their wearers keep from falling off them? (That lip-smacking noise you hear is orthopedic surgeons around the world savoring the prospect of the yachts and Lamborghinis they’ll be able to buy with their increasing revenues.)

And why, oh why, do people pay ridiculously big buck$ for jeans that are holey and frayed? And then why do they wear them with shirts whose tails hang below vests and sweaters?

Even more of a mystery to me are the multiple body piercings deforming the faces and bodies of youngsters today. Ouch! Do they really believe that rings and bars in eyebrows, noses, nipples, and navels are attractive? And what about studs in tongues and door-knob-size inserts in earlobes? Will they ever be able to get a job that doesn’t involve asking, “Do you want fries with that?”?

But if these perforated kids ever do find employment that pays enough so they can afford some foreign travel, they’ll be happy to learn that language phrase books have changed considerably since my first trip to Europe. Back then they helped me communicate such requests as, “Can you direct me to the Louvre, please?” or “Where is the nearest rest room?” Today’s updated editions include even more practical queries. For example, I picked up an English/Italian phrase book at Barnes & Noble last week and opened it randomly to a translation for, “I would like you to make love to me. Do you have a condom?” I didn’t dare turn the page to find out what came next. Am I the only one who finds this disturbing?

Another puzzlement is rock band names. How (and why!?) do they come up with monikers like Lesbian Dopeheads on Mopeds, Cycle Sluts from Hell, Insane War Tomatoes, Tonto’s Expanding Headband…..? (I’m not making these up. I swear.) It’s no wonder that such groups produce the discordant noise that passes for music these days.

And can anyone please tell me why sports fans celebrate their teams’ major victories by rioting and destroying property? It makes absolutely no sense to me.

But it’s not just other people. I don’t understand many things I do myself — like buying something I really don’t like just because it’s on sale (75% off!) even though I know in my heart that I will most likely never wear, use, or eat it. Or I’ll squander a couple of dollars worth of gas driving miles out of my way to buy some that’s one-cent-per-gallon cheaper than at the station on the corner of my street. And how can I convince myself that I simply don’t have time to vacuum, cook, or write; but I’ll spend hours (literally) playing mind-numbing computer solitaire?

Also, I don’t understand why I can never think of snappy comebacks until it’s too late. Recently, for instance, when referring to my age, a radio interviewer diplomatically described me as “seasoned.” I simply laughed, when I should have said, “You mean hot and spicy, right?”

Could it be that my delay in conjuring up a rejoinder proves that my mind isn’t as sharp as it used to be, after all — and that might be the reason so many things baffle me these days?

I’d hate to think I’m losing it or that I’m out of touch with today’s culture. I’m buying that new English-Italian phrase book tomorrow, throwing away my underwear, getting my nose pierced, and hopping the next flight to Rome. I hear the Spanish Steps are a great place to pick up guys. I only hope no one expects me to climb them (the steps, not the men) wearing stilettos.

Editor's Note: Rose Mula's most recent book,The Beautiful People and Other Aggravations, is now available at your favorite bookstore, through Amazon.com and other online bookstores, and through Pelican Publishing (800-843-1724), as is her previous book, If These Are Laugh Lines, I'm Having Way Too Much Fun.

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I'll Never Understand

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