Fitness For Fogies*
I'm basically lazy — especially when it comes to exercise. I am in awe of people who get up at dawn and run ten miles and others who go to the gym and work out strenuously every day. Not for me. But I know how important it is to keep active as we grow older, so I have incorporated a fitness program into my normal routine.
Photograph: World News Network, Wikimedia Commons
I usually start my day with isometrics, or tensing of the muscles — in my case, the calf muscles. Actually, to tell the truth, this tensing is completely involuntary. So since it requires no conscious effort on my part, I suppose I can't call it isometrics. I guess a more accurate term is leg cramps. But whatever their name, these cramps are very effective in getting my day off to an active start since they propel me out of bed, whereupon I jump up and down and shake my legs vigorously to relieve the cramping. This, in turn, often results in floor exercises, or falling down and trying to get up — which involves straining of every muscle in the body to pull myself upright.
Next on my agenda is weight training — lifting heavy forkfulls of food from my plate to my mouth at least three times a day — and even heavier armloads of magazines, catalogs, advertising flyers, and solicitation letters from my mailbox daily. These workouts are exhausting. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to meet the challenge.
I also exercise my abs after every meal by insuring that acid reflux keeps those stomach muscles churning actively.
In addition, I constantly fight upper arm flab throughout the day by using my hands and arms to push myself up off a chair or couch. Every time I do this, I really feel the burn — not only in my arm muscles, but also on my back, thighs, hips, knees, calfs, ankles, and even my toes. This truly is a challenging, full-body workout.
Also beneficial for the arms, writsts, waist, and shoulders are the tortuous twists required to find the armholes when putting on a shirt, sweater or coat. Pulling on a pair of pants provides an opportunity for beneficial leg lifts — exhausting at first, but worth it once you have developed the muscle groups involved.
Another daily task I used to perform effortlessly but which now requires considerable skill and strength is buckling a seat belt. Just twisting and reaching back to grasp the belt involves muscles I never knew I had in my neck ... shoulders ... waist. Once I've managed to clutch the belt, I need a couple of minutes of heavy breathing to replenish the oxygen to my lungs before attempting to click the belt into the receptacle — which I usually find I'm sitting on. That's fortunate because it requires another series of strenuous maneuvers to free the buckle before I can continue.
Of course, before I have to struggle with a seat belt, I must get into a car. That never used to be a problem for me, but it's a major hurdle now. If the vehicle in question is an SUV, it might just as well be Everest. No way can I climb up there without a lot of help. If there aren't half a dozen sherpas available to boost me up, I at least need a sturdy stepstool (preferably one with handrails) — which actually is a good thing. Climbing stairs, even if only one or two, is an excellent cardio exercise. Low-slung sports cars present an opposite challenge. If, like me, your knees no longer bend normally, you can't lower yourself into the seat gradually and gracefully. Instead, simply stand in the open doorway with your back to the car's interior, aim your rear end towards the seat, and freefall into it. Since gravity does most of the work, unfortunately little or no effort is required on your part — until you have to twist your buttocks around and lift your legs into the car. At first, you may require assistance from a friend or passer-by to help with those leg lifts until you have strengthened your thigh muscles enough to be able to do it yourself.
You're now ready to drive. With power brakes, power steering, automatic transmission, and electric turn signals — and even automated parallel parking — today's cars offer little or no opportunity for exercise. To compensate for that lack, health providers advise you to resist the temptation to use your handicap placard to park near the door when you arrive at your destination. Instead, they say you should select a space as far away as possible so you can benefit from the walk. So I do just that. However, once I park in that remote space, I realize it will take as much effort to get out of the car as it did to get into it. And after that I’m supposed to walk a mile?! Forget it. The mere thought exhausts me. So, instead, I just drive back home. I'll have a neighbor pick up the groceries I need tomorrow.
But before you go home, be sure to visit the fast food drive-through. What better way to stretch those arms than by reaching for those burgers and fries?
At the end of the day, it's time for my evening workout — getting out of those clothes it was such an effort to get into that morning, and then gyrating myself into my PJs. After all that effort, I'm ready for a good night's rest; but I don't allow myself that luxury. Tossing and turning most of the night, punching the pillow, plus sprinting to the bathroom four or five times all insure that I continue to burn calories when most people simply waste the nighttime hours sleeping soundly.
So, no excuses, People! Get up from that couch! (But maybe you should take a little nap first to give you the strength to tackle that.)
©2014 Rose Madeline Mula for SeniorWomen.com
*Full Definition of FOGY, courtesy of Merriam-Webster: a person with old-fashioned ideas —usually used with old
— fo·gy·ish or fo·gey·ish adjective
— fo·gy·ism or fo·gey·ism noun
origin unknown
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