A few years ago (which
means I don't remember exactly how long ago it was), the press
discovered that Imelda Marcos had more shoes than libraries have
books. Every comedian in the country was making shoe jokes, but
I wasn't laughing. I knew why she had all those shoes: She was
trying to find a pair that was comfortable.
If you are actually
a senior woman, you have lived through "fashions" such as shoes
that came to a center point so sharp it would be classified as
a weapon under today's airport security rules; stiletto heels;
platform shoes (which, heaven help us, seem to be back); and those
ghastly little white boots you were supposed to wear with mini-skirts.
And then there are
running shoes that cost so much you could buy a small diamond
instead. I recognize that some — perhaps many — people
think they are comfortable. I'm not one of them. That built-up
back attacks my Achilles tendon, and they weigh so much I can
hardly life my foot, much less run in them.
I'd like you to do
me a favor. Stop reading long enough to take a good look at your
feet, then go to your closet and try to find one pair of shoes
that's shaped the same way.
You didn't find any,
did you?
Notice that your foot
does come to a kind of point, but that point is not in the center
of your foot (unless you wore those sharply pointed shoes so long
that your big toes are permanently bent toward the outside of
your foot). Nature put the big toe (the point) on the inside of
your foot. Working outward, each toe is shorter until you get
to the last little toe that went "whee, whee, whee all the way
home."
That means that any
shoe that is pointed in the center, rounded (baby dolls), or squared
off bears no resemblance to your foot.
I am convinced that
it is no accident that shoes have every shape except foot shape.
It is a conspiracy between the shoe industry and podiatrists.
Think about it. Who benefits from this lack of foot-shaped shoes?
Foot doctors, certainly — those shoes will drive you to seek
medical help, not just once, but on an on-going basis. And the
shoe industry surely benefits as we buy pair after pair trying
to find just one pair that doesn't make us faint as we try to
cross a room.
I'd suggest rising
up in rebellion, but that's the fiendishness of this conspiracy.
Our feet hurt so much that we "rise up" only when it's a matter
of life and death, and we certainly can't walk a picket line or
hold a march to publicize our cause. It is very difficult to make
a statement while your feet are soaking in a hot tub.
But there is a weapon
available to us and its perfection is breathtaking: the sit-down
strike. But before we use this frightening, last-resort weapon,
I'd recommend going out to buy just one more pair of shoes —
with summer coming, maybe a pair of those strappy little sandals.
I mean, there's no sense it being a fanatic.
