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Online Dating Tips, Part Two

by Deborah Gray

<< Part One

Getting to Know You

• Do not give out any personal information such as your phone number or address until you're comfortable with someone, and even then think twice about it.
• About half of the men that I met online were married or seriously involved with someone. Learn to separate them out quickly:
• Ask directly (and firmly)  if they're married or involved with someone else. Many men will be honest if asked. They know you'll find out about their status eventually.
• Tell a potential date that you'd like to call him to talk once you've decided you're interested pursuing the contact. Be wary if he gives you a cell phone or work phone number, but is reluctant to divulge a home phone number. Don't accept any excuses:  one married man told me he didn't give his number out because he'd been stalked, but actually it was because he had a wife who might pick up the phone.
• Some (rare) men will be glad to email and talk on the phone, but drag their feet about getting together in person. One man called me every night for a few weeks, but didn't seem to want to get together, even though we talked about it. Be firm about insisting on getting together within a reasonable period of time, or reconsider ending it so far as a potential romantic relationship is concerned. 
• It's very easy to open up to someone online. Try to avoid letting your chat and emails get on a sexually intimate level unless you are looking for only a sexual relationship. Otherwise, your first face-to-face meeting will have a certain level of expectation regarding what kind of intimacy you'll have in person. If you do get sexually involved, use a condom. Sexually transmitted diseases, including AIDs, is on the rise among seniors.
• Don't rely alone on your memory. Save all the emails you send and receive. You might  be juggling a few prospects at once, and it's easy to forget the details of what you said to whom. Also, save his photos. You may post an ad more than once, which I did, and a person you may have talked to and written off may try again, under a different screen name. 
• Consider insisting on a photo before meeting in person. I was talked into meeting someone before seeing their photo a couple of times, and it usually resulted in disappointment for me. This also might help to eliminate the discomfort you might experience when you walk into a crowded restaurant to meet with someone and have no clue what they look like.  If someone tells you that they don't have a picture scanned to send you suggest they go to their local copy center. On the other hand, keep in mind that some people look much better in person. The photo my husband sent me before we met made him look like a (not very attractive) serial killer, but I took a chance since I cared about him from our emails and phone calls already.
• Talk on the phone, even extensively and often, before meeting. It will help the two of you be more comfortable when you meet in person, and be a further verification that they are who they claim to be.  It can serve to establish areas of interest you can refer and explore during an actual meeting. And, it can help with  those awkward silences that occur naturally when two people meet for the first time in any social situation.

Meeting in Person

• Meeting for coffee or lunch instead of a nighttime date the first time is a good idea for a couple of reasons. One, you can claim that you are meeting a friend or have an appointment afterward, and that will help cut a date short when you know you aren't clicking. Second, a daytime date doesn't have the same expectation that there's a potential for anything physical happening at the end of the date.
• Use your own transportation; don't rely on your date in case things go sour. Bring a cell phone, even if you have to borrow one or get a disposable one.
• Let someone know where you are going and who you are meeting when you go on a date. In addition, tell a friend how to access your email.  I always informed my housemate who I was seeing, and showed her where their emails and photos were kept on the computer. I don't consider dating someone I met online any more or less dangerous than dating someone I might have met any other way, but taking precautions is always a good idea.

Do believe in the success stories you hear. I met many interesting, successful men online. I had a lot of fun dating, and, eventually, met the man who became my husband.

Online Dating Links:

Match.com

Silver Connection

Yahoo Personals

eHarmony.com

Tips for Safe Online Dating

 

At 42, Deborah Gray is a token younger woman at SeniorWomenWeb along with culinary columnist Gabriella True. She lives with her husband in the Northeast of the United States with her son, Lawrence, a stray cat and far too many pairs of shoes. She recently started her own online business selling natural soap and toiletries, Practical Botanicals. You can e-mail her with questions or comments.