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Page Two of iPod — Do You?

Today’s computers’ built-in hard disks (bye-bye floppies) handle trillions of bits of data which can be manipulated in a myriad of ways. With the advances in word processing technology, for example, I can now erase entire paragraphs or move them to another part of a document … if I write a 500-page novel and decide to change the protagonist’s name from Jim to Harry throughout the book, I can do it with just a couple of keystrokes … I can select from hundreds of fonts and sizes — and I used to think my IBM Selectric that offered me a mere handful of choices was miraculous! And there’s so much more. Today’s word processing programs also perform hundreds of other tasks, including correcting my spelling, suggesting synonyms, inserting pictures, alphabetizing lists, brewing my morning coffee… Well, that last one isn’t true. At least not today. But tomorrow? I wouldn’t be surprised. Then, of course, there’s the Internet which provides instant access to the world. It would take volumes to even begin to describe its truly awesome wonders, so I won’t even try.

Another phenomenal innovation is my tiny digital camera (about the size of a pack of cigarettes, only thinner), whose miniscule memory card can store hundreds of pictures and display each one as I take it so I know whether or not I got a good shot. A significant contrast to the large, heavy cameras I toted on my early trips to Europe, along with several cumbersome interchangeable lenses and dozens of rolls of film which I agonized would be ruined by airport security scanners or lost or stolen during my journey. Today I could slip my tiny digicam in my shirt pocket and be good to go on a world-wide photo safari — that is, if I could afford the trip.

And how did we live without cell phones, which have brought Dick Tracy technology to the masses? Actually, today’s mobile phones are far more advanced than Dick’s wrist watch transmitter. His couldn’t take pictures, send and receive text messages, or access the afore-mentioned wondrous Internet (which, of course, didn’t exist then). But I’m happy with just my rudimentary model that functions only as a telephone. It’s a comfort to know, for instance, that if my car breaks down on a deserted road, help is just a phone call away. When I was young I had a job that required a lot of late-night travel (no — I wasn’t a call girl; I worked for a theater company), and I bought a CD radio to summon help if needed. However, I was too frightened to use it and broadcast my location to any predatory sex offenders who might be in the area.

Because of ubiquitous cell phones, “Can you hear me now?” has become a familiar refrain of the times; but it’s fast being supplanted by, “Can you see me now?” as web cameras become more prevalent. These remarkable, inexpensive gizmos, along with free Skype software, enable you to make computer phone calls to anyone in the world who has similar equipment, free of charge, while relaying a video of yourself as you speak, and receiving a video of the person you are calling. You gotta love it! Or not. Because you could be caught answering a call in your pajamas, bed-head hair, and no make-up. Well, there are advantages and disadvantages to everything.

Like remote car starters. I live on the third floor of a condominium building and don’t have a garage. When it snows, I have to go down and clean off the car. This year I decided that a remote starter would be a huge help. I could turn on the engine — and heater and windshield defroster — from my bedroom window and let it run a while to make my de-icing job easier. The first time I used it, it worked like a charm. Or so I thought. I pressed the remote and saw my car’s lights go on. Terrific! Twenty minutes later, I went down and found that the car wasn’t running, but the lights were still on. I put my key in the ignition and turned it. Nothing, except a series of clicks. The battery was dead. The lights had drained it. Obviously, I have to work out a few bugs.

The same is true of those GPS (Global Positioning Satellite) systems for your car that give you verbal and visual turn-by-turn directions to whatever destinations you program into them. Usually. Occasionally, however, they try to take you down the wrong way of a one-way street or to a dead end street abutting the back of the building address you fed it but with no access to the front entrance of the building. The Points-of-Interest feature also isn’t always reliable. Recently, after my friend Joan and I had left a restaurant, we decided we wanted dessert, so I asked Penelope (the name I assigned to my GPS’s British-accented voice) to find us an ice cream shop in the area. She took us on a long, circuitous ride, eventually leading us to a lovely, residential neighborhood. As we passed a palatial mansion, Penelope announced, “You have arrived at your destination.” We didn’t think so. But we could have been wrong. I wanted to ring the bell and ask if they had ice cream, but Joan wouldn’t let me.

Instead we went back to my house (I had ice cream in my freezer) to watch a movie I had taped earlier on my Digital Video Recorder — one of the greatest marvels of the modern world. This box, which is connected to my TV, enables me to pause any program I’m watching (if I want to go to the fridge for ice cream, for instance), back up if I’ve missed something, and fast forward past the commercials of a recorded program. I can also program it to record future shows so I won’t miss any of my favorites (in case I go out for ice cream). The major problem with all this is that I record tons of stuff that I’ll never have the time to watch because I’m much too busy trying to decipher the instructions for my webcam (a 23-page manual), my remote car starter (25 pages), my iPod (70 pages), my GPS (72 pages), my digital camera (171 pages — yes, 171!) and my computer (you don’t want to know — trust me).

OOOPS! Gotta run. My robotic Roomba vacuum cleaner is beeping frantically from the living room. I think it got itself stuck under the sofa again.

Return to Page One<<

©2009 Rose Madeline Mula

Editor's Note: Rose Mula's most recent book, The Beautiful People and Other Aggravations, is now available at your favorite bookstore, through Amazon.com and other online bookstores, and through Pelican Publishing (800-843-1724), as is her previous book, If These Are Laugh Lines, I'm Having Way Too Much Fun.

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