Are you as confused as I am by all the admonitions about healthy eating? Read
one book or news article on the subject, and I guarantee it will directly contradict
something you read the day before. Take the whole issue of water, for example.
For decades I've been conscientiously struggling to down eight glasses a day,
and now "they" tell us we don't need to do that. Could it be possible
that what I thought was flab is simply bloat and that if I cease guzzling water,
I may once again be svelte? What good news! Except for the bottled water industry.
(Is it too late to dump my Evian stock?)
As for the food advice, though some of the suggestions may be sound nutritionally,
they are often far from practical.
For example, I just read a book about foods that fight disease; and
I swear, if you try to follow its guidelines, you'll be penniless in no time — for
two reasons: First, you'll spend a fortune on the recommended foods; and,
second, you'll have to quit your job and devote all your time to grocery
shopping and
eating. Not only will you be broke, you'll also be fat and alone. Fat because
of the calorie content of the amount of recommended foods, and alone because
your family will run away from home and all your friends will avoid you.
Let's face it. Who wants to watch you stuffing your face all day, which is
what you'd
have to do in order to consume the required quantities of foods the book
in question deems are essential, including:
One to two cups of blueberries a day. This may be doable during the summer
(especially if you have your own blueberry bushes), but to buy that many
out of season, you would probably have to refinance your home because
somebody (i.e., you) has to pay the shipping charges from Chile or wherever.
And
even if you love blueberries, how long do you think you'd continue to
love them
if you scarfed down two cups daily?
A half cup of pumpkin most days. I may be wrong, but don't pumpkins have
an even shorter season than blueberries?
Spinach: One cup steamed or two cups raw most days. Come on! Even Popeye
didn't eat that much.
Wild salmon: Two to four times per week. If you can't find salmon
in the wild, it's going to cost you big bucks at the fish market.
Tomatoes: One serving per day of processed tomatoes and multiple
servings per week of fresh tomatoes. Okay, so you could have a
daily salad,
and that would
take care of the fresh tomatoes requirement; but that one serving
per day of processed tomatoes is problematic. What are you going
to put
it on?
Pasta? Pizza? Every day? How do you spell "e-x-p-a-n-d-i-n-g waistline"?
Yogurt: Two cups daily. Give me a break! When are we supposed to
fit this in? I suppose we could mix some of it with the blueberries
and
spread the
rest
on some stewed tomatoes or steamed spinach.
Soy: At least 15 grams of soy protein each day. I'm not sure
what soy protein is, but I do know that 15 grams must be a
lot because
you're
supposed to
divide it into two separate meals or snacks.
Oats or other grains such as brown and wild rice, barley, wheat
germ and flaxseed: Five to seven servings a day! Follow this
suggestion, and you'll
be neighing
in no time.
And let's not forget that daily apple that will keep the
doctor away. Right, like keeping the doctor away is a problem
these
days. When
was the last
time one came knocking on your door?
In addition, the following are recommended: A half cup
to one cup of broccoli and an orange every day, at least
four
servings
of
beans per
week, an ounce
of walnuts five times a weeks, and three to four servings
of turkey breast per week.
Keep in mind that all of the above are touted in just
one book. Other sources specify even more essential
nutrients. The last
time I checked,
a week
still had only seven days. So how are you supposed
to fit
everything into a daily
meal plan? And what happens when you dine out? Won't
you get some strange looks when you order a couple
of cups
of blueberries,
a
cup of yogurt
and half a
cup of pumpkin for dinner?
And, most important, where do ice cream and Scotch
fit into this scheme? How can a diet be well balanced
without
these
two essentials?
Then there's the whole issue of nutritional supplements.
How are we going to manage to swallow (and pay
for) all the vitamins
and
minerals
supposedly
required
daily to keep us healthy, gorgeous and pain free?
It's a challenge. Some must be taken with food,
others at
least an hour before
or after eating,
some in
the morning, some at bedtime, and some on alternate
Thursdays, except when the moon is full. Okay,
so I made the last
one
up; but you know
what I
mean.
Add to this mix potions for controlling stomach
upset (which is guaranteed if you consume all
of the above),
pills for
heartburn (ditto), capsules
to help block carbohydrates (a must if you're
going to eat all the pizza and
pasta to use as a base for your daily required
processed tomatoes), laxatives for
irregularity, and magic tablets to cure everything
from Social Anxiety Disorder (formerly known
as plain old
shyness) to
Attention Deficit
Disorder (i.e.,
formerly called boredom and/or rambunctiousness)
to a wide range of male and female sexual dysfunctions
(formerly
never mentioned
in public,
unlike
today
when celebrities freely admit their inadequacies
on
national TV
and magazine ads).
I'd like to stay and discuss this further, but
I must go. It's time to force myself to eat
my wild
salmon
and soy
casserole.
(Editor's Note: Rose's new book, The
Stranger in My Mirror and Other Reflections is available by special
order from most book stores, or on the web at www.amazon.com and www.barnesandnoble.com)
Rose Mula was an executive
assistant, a public relations specialist, and an operations manager
for a New England theater chain before discovering a passion for
writing.
Her work has appeared
in The Saturday Evening Post, Yankee, Modern Maturity, The
Christian Science Monitor, The Reader's Digest, The Philadelphia
Inquirer, The Baltimore Sun, and more than a hundred other
magazines and newspapers. Actually-thousands of newspapers, since
one of her essays, The
Stranger in My Mirror (originally titled, The Stranger
in My House), was reprinted in Ann Landers' nationally syndicated
column in 1999, and after an explanatory exchange with Ms. Landers, an attribution.
Rose's new book, If These Are Laugh Lines I'm Having Way Too Much Fun, is available at bookstores, through online bookstores, and from Pelican Publishing, 800-843-1724. The book was a finalist in USABOOKNEWS.COM's 2006 Best Books Award humor category. Meanwhile, she can reached
by e-mail.
