...Just a Minute...

by Jacqueline Sewall Golden

Edition 12

        I was born with two breasts. They’ve garnered a lot of attention over the years from manufacturers of undergarments, not to mention a few drooling teenagers and salivating older guys. Long before I was around, there were things like whaleboned corsets (and my spell checker just went off wondering what the hell that/those were), which hideously disfigured Madame into the Shape of the Day.  My mother went through the wrapping down of her breasts to obtain that boyish look so popular with the flappers of the 20’s.

       When my breasts became prominent enough to show part of, I was enticed into wearing something called the Merry Widow, a garment made famous in the 50’s.  One evening when we were going to the Elks Club for a major small-town night out, my mother-in-law lent me the little black number she referred to as a 'push-up bra' lending  my 20-year-old figure a nice round look.  My father-in-law, true to his nasty old self, asked with a wink why I thought I needed such a bra.  I had to rejoin with, “You wear shorts, don’t you?”  which didn’t help the family relationship.

       Things progressed or regressed in the 60’s and 70’s with bra burnings letting the world (read Males In Charge of Everything) know we were fed up with this nonsense and that we were going to flap in the breeze all we wanted.  There were competitions among the more flamboyant to see whose breasts could hold a pencil, indicating an unacceptable droop.  If so, you were forced by public decree back into a bra so as not to scare animals and small children.

        We’ve come full circle (I got those words from a very chic ladies’ magazine so I know it’s au courant) with the Wonder Bra of the 80’s, which was just an old spin on my mother-in-law’s device. Now even the staid Wall Street Journal’s front page mentioned the newest harness which uses breast enhancers, “creating a fuller, more beautiful bustline” for those who are sadly boob-challenged.  These are two jelly-filled blobs which you slip into your bra giving you a 'natural look.'

         Fortunately, I’ve never had problems in the up-front area. I suggest to any man newly dating a women and wanting to determine if everything’s on the up-and-up to take a good look at her mother. That’s what you’re going to be dealing with, son.

 

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