It’s almost
enough to make you pull out your hair by its gray roots – the way our society treats older women. The stereotypes
we’re confronted with portray us as over-the-hill dowagers
good only for hawking constipation relievers or denture creams.
In typical baby boomer fashion, though, women who are turning
50 or even 60 today are unwilling to be stuck in these moldy pigeonholes.
We are determined to remain vital, stimulated, and interesting
to others. We reject the notion that the best years of our lives
are
behind us. In nearly every arena, that is, but one — our sexuality.
Although we can now talk openly about menopause (even dropping
the “the” as
a sign that we’re comfortable with that previously unmentionable
topic), we are primly silent when the issue of sexual desire
comes up. In fact, a common response one is likely to get when
asking another ‘over 50’ woman what’s happened to her
sexual desire goes something like this: “Huh? Sexual desire?” But
when given the chance to speak confidentially, she’s likely
to have a lot to say.
How
do we know this? Because over the last 3 years we’ve
been posing that question to women all over the US. Over 500
demographically
diverse women from 50 to 95 have told us about what has happened
to their sexual yearnings as they have aged. They talked about
how easy it is to feel invisible in a world whose lens is
focused on
youthful sexiness.
We contribute to this problem by carrying in our heads and
hearts damaging myths about what is supposed to happen
to our sexual
desire. Exposing these falsehoods is an important step toward
regaining
a positive sense of ourselves as sexual beings. One of the most
powerful of these myths is this: “Once an older women's sexual
desire has disappeared, it's gone for good and will never come back.” This
is simply not an accurate depiction of what happens for most of
us. As a result of our research, we know the reality for women
beyond 50: sexual desire ebbs and flows.
Women told us that sometimes they could identify a stressor
that accounted for a drop in their desire; other times
there was no apparent
reason for it. Then, months or even years later, they might
experience heightened desire. Many times this occurred
at the beginning of
a new relationship, other times it just happened. Women in long-term
marriages described this variability, as did women who had been
single for most of their lives. Widows experienced it and so
did lesbians in committed relationships.
One
such woman, Maggie, a cheerfully wrinkled Southerner
married for 25 years, experienced a sweet surprise at
age 55. "It
seems almost inconceivable to me that one could go through youth,
and
all those years when one is supposed to be most sexually active,
exist in a state of hibernation, and then experience a whole
new sexual world just as one goes through menopause.
I can't necessarily
attribute it to my hormones. Who knows if has to do with the
fact that I've cut way back on my commitments, the kids
are out of
the house, and my job is not nearly as stressful as it once was? "
Tisha is a 68 year
old beautiful Latina who lives in a charming townhouse near
the beach south of Los Angeles. Initially, anger
and grief overwhelmed her during a lengthy and bitter divorce
proceeding. Now in a new relationship, Trisha reflected on how
her desire had
shifted over time. "Especially after the divorce, I wasn't
feeling like I had any desire, any libido, or that I was desirable
to anybody else. But that feeling has come back. I know it goes
up and down. When it's down I don't feel quite content, if I
were to put a finger on it. And it has nothing to do with the
sexual
act. It is part of my being."
What is the impact of recognizing the fluid nature of sexual
desire as we age? Knowing that what you feel today is more
than likely
a transitory state can help you gain a new, positive sense
of your sexual self. It may even motivate you to talk
with your
spouse or
partner. Too often silence on this subject leads to hurt and
resentment on the part of a partner who takes lowered desire
as a reflection
of how you feel about him or her. By talking, couples can
work together to find ways to keep the intimacy and romance
alive
while honoring
the reality of their current levels of desire. Women who do
not have a sexual partner are just as likely to experience
these shifts
in their desire. As Tisha says, it’s part of your “being” as
a woman.
Regardless of your relationship status, we encourage you
to take a peek over the top of your bifocals and focus
on the bigger picture.
Legend has it that an older woman with diminished desire will
never again experience an increase. We want you to know
that, as conveyed
to us by many an aging woman, nothing could be farther from
the truth.
Since this is an issue that gets so little air time,
all that most of us know about older women’s sexual desire is based on old
wives tales and folklore. Our society’s mythology is powerful
and demeaning. Once you’ve passed into the realm of the
postmenopausal, your sexual self esteem is subject to an onslaught
of negativity.
Deborah Nedelman, Ph.D., has had a 30 year career as
a licensed clinical psychologist and maintains a private psychotherapy
practice in Everett, Washington. She is a certified sex therapist
and co-founder of Women Beyond 50 LLC. Deborah has talked with
hundreds of couples over many years about sexual dysfunction.
Several years ago she realized that as she had gotten older,
so had her clients. They began asking, "What is normal for the
older woman?" And there were few definitive answers. Her mission
is now to ignite a global discussion about older women's sexuality.
Deborah graduated from Bryn Mawr College and holds a Ph.D. in
Clinical Psychology from the University of Washington. In 1977
Dr. Nedelman co-authored A Guide for Beginning Psychotherapists,
published by Cambridge University Press. This work has been
translated into 10 languages and remained in print until 2002.
She and her husband Mel have been married for 29 years and are
the parents of two adult children.
Leah Kliger MHA has had a 33 year career in healthcare
as an educator, administrator, and researcher. She is an assistant
clinical professor in the Department of Health Services at the
University of Washington and co-founder of Women Beyond 50 LLC.
In the 1970's, Leah spent 3 years running a Family Planning
clinic and counseling young people about sexuality. In her early
50's, she realized that there was a deafening silence about
sexuality in the aging woman, leading her to conclude that this
topic should be brought out from under the covers. Leah graduated
from Michigan State University and holds a Masters in Health
Care Administration from the University of Washington. She and
her husband Phil have been married for ten years and live in
Kirkland, Washington. As a wife, mother, mother-in-law, grandmother,
sister, aunt, and friend, she personally understands the impact
of shifting sexuality on women's lives.
Leah and Deborah can be reached at www.WomenBeyond50.com
or at 425-822-8203.
