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SWW Interview: Ruth Daleth, Page Two
"That's when I really started drinking—when I found out he was having an affair. That was about five years before I divorced him. At that time store policy dictated that managers couldn't fraternize with the help or they'd be fired. I told my friend, an attorney, that I wanted to tell the main office what my husband was doing. He told me, if I did, he'll have nothing and you'll have nothing. He'll lose his retirement, he'll lose everything."
"I drank steadily for the next five years. We stayed together and his affair would be off and on. I used to argue and fight with him when he was drunk. And he'd say 'You shut up or I'll hit you,' and then he'd hit me. One day he was sober and hit me. That scared me the most. He came home another night and I could tell he'd been with her. I was drunk. We started fighting and arguing and he had me down on the floor and the kids were crying. I woke up the next morning, looked at myself in the mirror and said I'm not going to live like this any more. I went across the street to a neighbor's house and asked her to take pictures of my bruises. She couldn't believe it, everybody thought we were one big happy family."
"I called an attorney the next day and two weeks later I went into a treatment program. That was October 20, 1986. I almost quit part way through, but I stayed the 31 days and I've been sober ever since. "
Daleth received alimony, child support and the house from the divorce settlement. At this point, her life became largely a routine that revolved around attending AA meetings for almost three years. "Because I drank at home and it was such a struggle, I went to a meeting at nine am and another at noon. Then I went to a meeting at 6 pm and I went to a meeting at 8 pm."
"After three years of AA meetings, I had to get out of the house—and outside of my own head—and find something to do. A friend referred me to Gary Condit in 1988. He was an Assemblyman at the time and I volunteered to work for him. I'd never had an office job, hadn't typed since I was in high school and knew nothing about computers. I would input names and addresses in the computer because nobody else wanted that work but I was thrilled doing it because I was learning new things.
Then Assemblyman Condit hired me part-time for 20 hours a week, but I spent 40 hours a week in the office. Everyone treated me with such kindness. I began to help the Gary with various cases and I really loved that part. Knowing that I could do something to help people was important to my recovery. I bloomed with my new responsibilities just as my therapist had promised."
Later, after losing her position when Condit had his staff reduced, Daleth worked in his Congressional campaign headquarters in charge of volunteers. "I was a volunteer and didn't get paid, but I got an unbelievable education. I never could have learned what I learned during that time in college. Congressman Condit took office in 1989 and I went back to work for him at the beginning of 1990 as a volunteer. I made myself so indispensable that they hired me again, and I've been there ever since helping people and learning."
During this time, Daleth was supported by the AA program and the friends she made. "I have learned in the program. Alcoholic's Anonymous is not a religion, it's a spiritual program. I don't know of any other place where you can go and talk about God and smoke and drink coffee and cuss. I learned not to judge anybody and to forgive. I had to forgive myself for all that I did during my drinking years—all the horror, the physical, the emotional and the spiritual harm I caused others."
"I've worked for Congressman Condit for 12 years and he has kind and would do anything for me. He gave me the opportunity to work and the training to earn a living. Not many would do that. He knew my background and took me in anyway. The work he has done in the Valley and the work we've done in our office has been amazing."
Everything is not perfect in Ruth Daleth's world, but it's clear that she is working repairing damaged relationships with her children, family, and friends. She's spent the past 15 years learning, growing and becoming the strong and generous woman she is today. She has transformed herself from the proverbial 1950's woman at home with the children who defers to her man in all things—to a woman who can confidently interact with others.
As Ruth says, "It's never too late to become better or stronger." She hasn't had a relationship since her divorce and she is sometimes lonely. But that's okay, too. Knowing that she can make it without drinking has its own rewards.
Links:
General Resources for Abused Women
