Becoming the Grandparent of an Adopted Child

by Lois Gilman

To anyone else, it's a family snapshot: my children stand on the front porch of their paternal grandparents' home, arms entwined. But this photo, like so many others, records a cherished scene that I once thought would never be mine to treasure.

I had no children to include in family pictures after a decade of marriage and an intense desire for a baby. Despite numerous tests, tubal surgery and drug therapy, I had never become pregnant. My mother, who lived nearby, was aware of my efforts and had even gone with me to doctors' offices. But my in-laws had been spared my husband's and my struggle with infertility since they lived far away. I dreamed about the day when I could disclose the happy news about the expected arrival of a grandchild to my in-laws.

When that day finally dawned, I worried about how my in-laws would react to the fact that their first grandchild would be adopted. For Jack and Dorothy Gilman were first-generation Americans and their only child, Ernie, was born when they were both in their forties. How would they come to accept and love a grandchild not of their own blood and also from Chile, a country and culture so unlike their own?

My anxieties were not entirely misplaced; after we told my in-laws about our plans they wrote us a letter begging us to reconsider. They didn't oppose adoption per se, but they were wary of foreign adoptions and especially of health problems a child from abroad might have. We wrote long letters and enclosed newspaper clippings about adoption. For every question they raised, we came up with an answer. But it was their rabbi's assurances that helped my in-laws finally change their minds. "Our grandchild, Seth, will be a joy to his parents and to his grandparents," wrote Jack, "and will keep the name of Gilman alive for generations to come."

I've learned that my in-laws' reaction to adoption was quite typical. When I wrote The Adoption Resource Book, my comprehensive guide to adoption, prospective adoptive parents confided to me the difficulties they had when discussing adoption with their parents. On reflection much of the unease makes sense. Prospective adopters have often lived with the possibility of adoption for years and mulled over their final decision for months. Yet we ask our parents to endorse our plans from the moment we break the news and to love as their own a grandchild whose origins they know little about. Even the most eager grandparents-to-be might be expected to harbor a few doubts under the circumstances.

Adoptive grandparents need preparation and a chance to vent their feelings. Grandparents-to-be, like prospective adoptive parents, have their own grieving to do over lost hopes for a biological grandchild. "I was disappointed to a degree that my son and his wife didn't have their natural child," admits Jerry, whose son Tom and daughter-in-law Kathy adopted a newborn. "But the adoption was to be a fact, and I was very much in favor of it." Mary, whose son adopted two school-age children, admits that she felt a tinge of regret: "But it wasn't a big point. If you can't have the next generation one way, you're very happy that you can have it another."

Prospective grandparents have to deal with their own lack of knowledge about the adoption process and their particular prejudices. Kathy's father admitted to having "reservations about the child's medical history. I worried about AIDS ... and everything else that can affect the baby's health."

There are other feelings that grandparents-to-be may leave unspoken. After Tom and Kathy started speaking with a pregnant woman about an adoption plan, the prospective grandparents feared that the adoption might fall through. "That was the hardest part," recalls Tom's mother. "I worried that the mother would change her mind, which would break Kathy's and Tom's heart." Kathy's mother found the days just after the baby's birth particularly trying: "Tom and Kathy were miles away with a brand-new baby." An open adoption, where the birthmother stays in touch after the baby's birth, made the grandmother nervous. Once before, she had lost her a grandchild when the birth mother reclaimed the baby. She knows that this is rare, but says, "it was like a death in the family. I don't want this to happen again."

Some adoptive grandparents may be plagued by doubts and insecurities, particularly when their grandchild's birth family stays in contact as the child grows up. One adoptive parent reported that when she informed her in-laws that she was taking her three-year-old son to meet his birthmother, her mother-in-law panicked. "You're not going to see her?," she said. "I have a lot invested in this child." Her mother-in-law had revealed her secret fears that the continued contact through telephone calls, letters, and even an occasional visit might lead to the return of the child to the birth family. (That is actually an impossibility once the adoption has been finalized in a court of law.)

If your son or daughter is thinking about adoption, try to talk with them about their plans. You might join them at a meeting of an adoptive parents group, subscribe to a newsletter, or talk with experienced grandparents by telephone. A local parent group might offer a special workshop or panel discussion for adoptive grandparents. A comment from one prospective grandparent who attended a workshop I ran underscored just how important that can be: "I've been so in the dark. This is the first time my daughter has shared her adoption plans with me."

If your children reveal information about the adoption, think carefully about sharing with others what background details you learn--this information is really for the adoptive parents and their child. If you learn details about your grandchild's adoption history or feel tempted to probe for more information, exercise caution. Observes Lois Melina, author of Raising Adopted Children: "I'm quite willing to answer people's questions about the adoption process, the practices of different agencies, our reasons for adopting and how my children reacted to what was a major change in their life. I consider information to be 'private' if it refers to a child's genetic and social history." Her rule of thumb: would you readily share that same information about yourself?

There's a wealth of information available on adoption. The National Adoption Information Clearinghouse answers questions and has fact sheets they will send you. They publish a guide to adoption sites on the internet. Among the sites you might explore: Adopting.com and AdoptioNetwork. If you type in keywords adoption, intercountry+adoption, foster+care, or open+adoption, you'll find hundreds of websites. Many adoptive parents have created home pages and there are adoption bulletin boards within AOL, for example.

Now you know the special resonance our family photographs have for me. In May 1979, three generations gathered and we took the first of many portraits for the Gilman family archive. Two years later, Jack and Dorothy welcomed a second grandchild, Eve Claire Rose, from South Korea. Sadly, they did not live see both their grandchildren graduate from high school and go on to college but we have photos of my mother at those events. My children have many memories of their loving grandparents, who came to love them as their own. These memories are the true legacy.

Links

• The Adoption Resource Book
• Adopting.com
• AdoptioNetwork
• National Adoption Information Clearinghouse
• Raising Adopted Children